Bah, humbug.
I’m just not in the holiday spirit. I wonder why. Could it be – oh, I don’t know – the old man who shat his pants in the store yesterday? Apologies for being crude, but I’m still really not over it. And I’m not exaggerating. I was helping a nice man pick out a Christmas gift for his daughter when the old fella, who’s been in the store before, walked up with some tapestry wools in his hand. He was sweating and shaking, but he’s always been a bit weak and I’ve had to get him a chair before so he could rest. This time, the customer and I both recoiled in horror. He stank. It was an ungodly smell. In retail you smell a lot of stinky people, but he was the worst ever. He mumbled something as he set down his wools and returned to get more. The customer I was helping had basically fled to the other side of the store. I rang up his sale and he gratefully fled outside. Then the old guy returned. He put down another handful of wools and gasped that he needed a chair. I ran for a green plastic lawn chair that we had sitting near the framing department. As he collapsed in it, I noticed that his shorts were extremely dirty. “Could he…? Nah.” I thought. “He’s just old and smelly.” I rang up his wools while standing as far from him as possible. I handed him his change as he staggered to his feet. Then he turned and headed for the door. My jaw – and those of my co-workers – dropped. His gray shorts were completely covered in crap, and he had it smeared all down his calves too. It was horrific. Bridget and I ran for the paper towels and Windex, which was all we could find. We wiped down the chair as best we could and took it downstairs to be disinfected. Three hours later I swear I was still smelling poo everywhere.

And how was your holiday shopping experience?