Australian Survivor News:
Oh my god. THAT SUCKED. I can’t put it any other way. You would’ve thought that no one could mess up such a surefire concept, but they did. My impressions:

• The theme song bites. It sounds more Irish than Australian.
• How much free shit are they gonna be provided with? As near as I could tell, each tribe got rice, cooking equipment, a tarp, a rope, blankets, a compass, fishing equipment, a shovel, and a machete. Why not a camp stove while you’re at it? Sheesh.
• Food is not going to be an issue. Each tribe pulled more fish out of the ocean in the first day than the Brits did all season.
• The first reward/immunity challenge was RIDICULOUS. First off, David from Kadina was allowed to “sit out” because he was sick! Therefore the other team had to lose a member. Outrageous. Then the challenge (which involved pulling logs out of the ocean to make a bridge across a fire pit, climbing a tower and lighting a torch, lighting spears off the torches to throw at a bonfire, and waiting for the bonfire to burn through a rope) ended up as a DRAW because the wind blew out both fires before they could burn high enough! The tribes had to come back and compete for immunity again the next day!
• The tie-breaker was a silly “true” or “false” quiz based on a history of the location that the host read two minutes before. Lucinda ended up losing it for Kadina.
• God I hate Lucinda. She’s like this 42-year-old soccer mom who’s trying to pretend to be 25 (i.e. she had tiny braids in her hair and she loved parading her bony ass around in a sports bra). She was so distraught after the challenge that she sobbed back at camp and told her teammates to vote for her. It was the most pathetic thing ever. (I almost wanted them to keep her around, just so I’d have someone to loathe a bit more.)
• Lucinda bit the big one. In fact, she was voted out 8-0! She voted for her damn self! That should be against the rules! And nobody called her on that shit!?

As you can see, I’ve been bitterly disappointed. I had high hopes, but the show let me down all over the place. And the contestants are all too nice! There hasn’t even been a whiff of an alliance yet. It better improve next week…