I sound dead sexxxay!
I just had a customer tell me: “You have the most amazing accent. Where’s it from?” I nearly fell over laughing. I said, “Actually that sultry, husky quality you hear is just because I’m sick and coughing my brains out. On a normal day, I have that same reedy, nasal, American voice you guys love to make fun of.” I must sound like a pack-a-day lounge singer or something.

Not that I’m watching or – *cough* – voting or anything… but how awesome was it that SuperTart Gianna got evicted on Big Brother tonight? I loved that they edited together all her INSANE bragging into one hilarious montage. She’s so Mrs. Elton, all “Well, I don’t talk about myself because I’m not conceited, but my friends would tell you that I’m a black belt in taikwando and I’m a supermodel and I designed an airport one time.” The Snook thinks she’s a pathological liar. I just think she’s a pathetically insecure moral hypocrite who sees nothing wrong with smugly judging others for drinking while flouncing about the house in a nurse’s outfit – and by the way, who brings a NURSE’S OUTFIT in the BB house? – pole dancing and all, “Oops! I forgot to wear panties tonight!” I mean, REALLY.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the #1 Google result for “you put your weed in there” quote. My weekend is complete!

A pretty quiet day – literally – for me today after two weeks of craziness. I went to the Knitters Guild executive committee meeting this morning to be officially confirmed as A) a member and B) their new website maintainer (“convenor,” whatever that means). They were all lovely, but I can’t imagine what they thought of me flouncing in with my flaming red hair, hacking cough, and a voice like a frog croak. (The stress and my cold have brought on a recurrence of the laryngitis I had last year.) Then I came home, put on my sweatpants, and spent the whole day lounging, napping, and knitting. It was bliss.

Oh, and we’re up to 11 sales on the website… for a total of $1200. With only, like, 20% of the site complete! Professional validation!

The Tapestry Craft website is now live! It launched about an hour late (which is pretty much par for the course for any deadline around here). The first order was placed by the Snook, who was just testing for me. We’re still waiting for the first official sale. Please let me know if you find any bugs or anything. I’m still adding products but thank God the pressure is finally over.

Update: We’ve had five sales, and we’re averaging nearly a hundred dollars a sale! I’m ecstatic. All the hard work is paying off. The best part was when the Snook told me how great he thought it was. I thought he was just being nice at first, but he insisted that he really thinks it’s a great website. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to have your work appreciated by the person whose opinion you value the most.

Did you know that J. Peterman was an actual clothing company? I thought it was just a joke on Seinfeld. Apparently so did most other people, which is why they went bankrupt in 1999. (I love the fact that Peterman bought the name back in 2001 with the help of John O’Hurley… who played him on Seinfeld.)

Red Rover, Red Rover…
Do you want to hear something that will BLOW YOUR MIND? Last Saturday we were over at Major and Steph’s for dinner and somehow during the conversation someone mentioned the game “Red Rover.” I was like, “What? Wait, you guys played that too?” They were all like, “Yeah, of course!” and then started reminiscing about playing it. Their descriptions all sounded kinda weird though. Finally I got somebody to give me the Australian rules, and I’m tellin’ ya, it’s like I walked smack into the Bizarro World. Their version is almost completely opposite to ours! One person stands in the middle of a field with everybody else in a big line facing them. (Like at the end of the American version, when there’s only one person left.) Then, get this: The lone person yells out “Red Rover, Red Rover, COME OVER!” And all the other kids run past to the other side, and anybody that the person in the middle manages to tag get stuck in the middle with him. This gets repeated until only one person is left running back and forth. ISN’T THAT INSANE? There’s no clothes-lining, no deliberately picking the same weak kids every time, no silly girls who pull their hands back at the last second. I couldn’t believe it. Same name, totally different rules.

Oh, and remember that horribly non-PC game called “Smear the Queer” where you basically tried to bash whoever had the ball? They played that one here too. It’s called “Kill the Dill with the Pill.”

I am so frustrated with Apple Australia right now. My iMac is still out of commission, waiting for a replacement logic board. (Which is the same part that was replaced back in January.) It’s now been FIVE WEEKS that I haven’t been able to use my computer, and according to my technician, it could be another two before they get the part. I’m on hold with AppleCare right now, and for once I’m going to demand that something be done. This is RIDICULOUS. I did the math today: I’ve owned the machine for a total of 32 weeks, eight of which it’s been unusable. EIGHT! That’s twenty-five percent! And it’s even worse if you take off the few weeks I was on holiday (and thus didn’t use the machine). Here I am, working my ass off on a crappy laptop to try to finish a website in 48 hours when there’s a frickin’ G5 sitting DEAD in the next room. NOT HAPPY, JAN.

Update: Well, they offered to replace the machine. That’s good. They can’t get me a new one for three weeks. That’s bad. How stupid is that? Plenty of stores have stock, but they can’t just give me one of those. It’s ridiculous. I’m sure if I was in the U.S. I could’ve just taken this thing to an Apple store and walked out with a new one an hour later. Instead I’m just supposed to accept shoddy service here as a given. So I just sent off a righteously peeved e-mail to my AppleCare representative, Apple Australian customer relations, the third-party service technician, everybody I could think of. I even invoked the Office of Fair Trading (who state that any manufacturer offering an express warranty must have a “reasonably” supply of parts on hand). I explained how I’ve personally had a hand in convincing several people to Switch: (Max, John, Hoey, Sharon) but that right now, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to recommend a Mac to anyone in good conscience. “I feel like Apple have LET ME DOWN.” Let’s see if that does any good…

Dark side of the moon.
I was just chomping away at my breakfast cereal and happily reading AskMeFi when I came across this question about the consequences of the moon’s destruction. It was all very interesting speculation and I was about to ask the Snook for his opinion… when I got to the bit about how it would mess up all the human female’s menstrual cycles. HUH? I nearly blew muesli all over the keyboard. That has to be a joke, right? But no, a couple of posters honestly argued that the length of a woman’s cycle is not coincidental, but is somehow tied to the phases of the moon. The fact that other large mammals have widely differing lengths of estrus doesn’t seem to sway them. My favorite bit of the argument is the cynical chick who refers to “magical moon fairies”. Even Uncle Cecil agrees.

They wanted a countdown; I gave them a friggin’ countdown.