Ow, you guys! My ass! Seriously.
All South Park jokes aside, my bum really does hurt. My legs creak. My lungs burn. Why? Because exercise is the Devil, kids. Just a little tip from your Aunt Kris.
 
So last night I decided to try yet another new class at my gym: spinning. In case you’ve never heard of it, spinning basically consists of a bunch of people pedalling furiously on stationary bikes while a little blond ponytailed twig-person screams at them over really loud dance music. Or something. I figured it wouldn’t be too difficult, seeing as how the only other person there at first was this old guy. Remembering the Aqua-Robics experience (old people = nice and leisurely workout), I figured this would be a cake-walk. Until I saw him lacing up his special Nike pedalling shoes. I must’ve looked scared, because Little Old Guy (L.O.G.) told me not to worry, that he was just a “poser” and that I wouldn’t have any trouble. He was a damn liar.
 
The first thing I realized when I jumped on my bike was that, unlike regular bicycles, you can’t stop pedaling while the wheels are turning. The pedals are literally connected to the wheels, so once you start it’s really, really hard to stop. Bravely, though, I placed my water bottle in the holder and my towel over the handlebars and started to pedal. I managed to keep up for the first 20 minutes, until “Shannon” (the twig-person) introduced the concept of standing up and pedaling, as if one were riding up a hill. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT KILLS? I was dying. Eventually I collapsed onto my seat, having made a bargain with my body that I’d at least continue to pedal as long as I didn’t throw up all over my nice new Reeboks. Wearily, I looked over to L.O.G., who’s standing up and pedaling away like Lance friggin’ Armstrong or something! I think that’s when I first got the urge to cry. The end eventually came, but not before a lot of mental cursing of “Shannon” and L.O.G. I’ve never been so happy to get off a bike in my entire life.
 
The worst part of the whole thing is that I still feel like crap today. It’s as if the spinning somehow fundamentally altered my body on a genetic level. Or else my body got pissed off at its perceived punishment and is now paying me back. Regardless, my calves are sore, my ankles are weak, and my bum is still shaped like that damn bicycle seat. Never, ever spin, kids.

Okay, so not only will we have urinals in Trafalgar Square, but all the lightposts will be covered with urine-scented posters as well? Ahh, London, City of Pee-Pee.

WOW. Did you see this young guy Andy Roddick defeat Michael Chang yesterday? I was watching it on the television while I warmed up at my gym. It freaked me out at first because he looks quite a bit like my younger brother, Anthony. I had to leave for my spinning class (more on that in a minute) with the score tied 5-5 in the fifth set. The poor kid was cramping so badly he would nearly collapse after every point. “My hand was doing this cool, bendy thing and my leg was cramping,” Roddick said. “I’m just glad to get through that.” That cracked me up.

HA! I take it back. The Bush twins are not Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. They’re more like Paris and Nikki Hilton.

I’m not sure about the real Bill Gates, but I can definitely see the Anthony Micheal Hall version frequenting a sleazy nightclub.

On one hand, I feel pretty bad for Jenna Bush. I mean, she’s not doing anything that countless other college students haven’t done. These people are making her sound like an alcoholic! At the same time, though, she has to be a real idiot to think that she’s gonna get away with this stuff. I imagine there are probably reporters following her around 24-7 just waiting to catch her trying a sip of al-key-hol.
 
Oh, and another thing. How funny is it that Jenna gets in all kinds of trouble, but her twin sister Barbara doesn’t? They’re like Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield over there.

Holy crap. Buffy finale: made me want to cry. Dawson’s Creek finale: made me want to barf.

The odd thing is, I think it makes him look much better, don’t you?

I know a ferret that will be very excited about this…

I think you misread me, Max. I’m not a hardcore supporter of the legalisation of marijuana, but I am a supporter of the basic human right to do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else. And in my own experience I’ve never seen anybody on pot do anything worse than I’ve seen people do on alcohol. (Granted, people do terrible things when they’re drunk, but in our society we blame that on the individual, not the beer, right?) I’m not a fan of teenagers embracing “pot culture”, either, but I think a big part of it is simply that it’s forbidden. When I was in high school it was “Coed Naked” T-shirts and L.A. Raiders jackets. Now it’s stoner wear. I don’t know anybody who would smoke pot but doesn’t because it’s illegal. They do it anyway. Making it legal isn’t necessarily going to increase the demand. It’s just going to make it regulate-able and keep young people from going to jail (or being denied college funds) for something that doesn’t hurt anybody.

Okay, I now eagerly await your rebuttle. Man, this take me right back to being on the Speech team in high school!