“You gotta loosen up, my friend. You’d feel a hell of a lot better if you’d rip into the occasional customer.” – Randall from Clerks

I finally did it. You know, there’s only so much abuse one person can take. And today, on the phone, the biggest beeyotch in the world finally made me lose my cool. It had already been an extremely busy day, and I was trying to cover the lunch shift alone so Chrystalla could get something to eat. The phone rang, and as soon as I picked it up the customer started attacking me. She said she’d rung that morning to order some wool and whoever she’d spoken to had “promised to call her back in two hours,” and she’d been sitting in her house that whole time unable to go anywhere for fear she’d miss the call. And she was terribly angry. I went into extreme-politeness mode, apologizing and trying to explain that we’d been really busy, and unfortunately there didn’t seem to be any note about her wool order, so she’d have to wait until Chrystalla got back. She proceeded to RIP ME A NEW ONE. “If I’d been IN THE STORE, it wouldn’t have taken two hours to find out about my yarn!” “Yes, ma’am, I’m very sorry, but it’s difficult to ignore several customers standing at the counter to deal with phone enquiries, which is why she said she’d call you back…” “But I phoned FIRST, so I should’ve been BEFORE THOSE PEOPLE!” I kept trying to placate, explaining that I didn’t really know the details of what she was after, so it might be that Chrystalla was trying to call the supplier or query the warehouse or whatever. She was having none of it. “I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY,” she snotted. “I’ve never been treated like this from a shop before.” “Well, ma’am, if you give me the details of the yarn, I might be able to chase that up for you.” “WHAT, you’re going to do in five minutes what she couldn’t do in TWO HOURS?” Starting to get frazzled now. I finally convinced her to tell me what wool it was, and I realized that there had been a note, it just didn’t have a name on it (and if she’d told me the wool to begin with, it would’ve saved ten minutes of arguing). “I’ve actually got your order here, and I’ve been trying to fill it,” I said. “I’ve got all of one colour, but we’re missing two packets of the second. I’m trying to locate it for you.” “WELL, HOW MUCH LONGER IS THAT GOING TO TAKE?” Deep breath. “Well, I do have several customers waiting at the moment, so I’m going to have to call you back.” “Can you PROMISE that you’ll call by the end of the day? Because otherwise I’LL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.”

That did it. I barked, “Fine. I’ll call you by the end of the day. AND THANK YOU, FOR BEING SO PLEASANT.” And I slammed down the phone. The other customers waiting at the counter applauded.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Update: Chrystalla just told me that she finally rang the customer back, and evidently I must’ve “put her in her place.” She didn’t say a word about her conversation with me. HARRUMPH.

Later Update: THAT COW! She called Albert to complain that I was rude to her. Whatever.

Russell has come up with another way to get back in my good graces. I’m starting to relent.

RUUUUDY!
The universe has rewarded me for the whole Russell-rooting-for-Michigan debacle. We sat down tonight after dinner to watch this week’s episode of My Name is Earl, where Earl gets a job as a salesman in an appliance store. As he was frantically trying to unload an old lady’s appliances in the rain, the music began to swell and I joked to the Snook, “Hey, that sounds like the Rudy theme!” Which was funny, because, you know, Sean Astin was guest-starring. I started to put two and two together. Later, Sean steals Earl’s sale and Earl decides to give up being a salesman… only to have Charles S. Dutton come out to give him a pep talk. “Holy crap! He was the groundskeeper!” I exclaimed. Dutton gave the exact same speech he gave Rudy when he didn’t make the team. Then Earl went to turn in his badge to the store owner, and — “OHMYGOD, IT’S THE GUY WHO PLAYED DAN DEVINE! They’re gonna all come in and put their coveralls down on his desk or something!” And they did.

Greatest episode of Earl ever.

I’m stressed, and we don’t even have the mortgage yet!

Me: Dude! The next time we’re in London, we should take the bus home.
Snook: A bus trip through Afghanistan sounds like a barrel of laughs.

MUCK FICHIGAN
Me: *GASP!* You are DEAD to me, Russell Crowe!
Snook: What’d he do?
Me: He gave a pep talk to Michigan before the damn game! He’s all buddies with their damn coach!
Snook: You should write him an indignant letter, and point out that there’s a Notre Dame campus about 500 meters from the bloody South Sydney Leagues Club!
Me: Too right.

Hey Sock Knitters: Advice Please!
I’m currently working on these Vinnland socks and I’m having a bit of a problem. They’re knitted toe-up, and so far the toes look disproportionately roomy on my foot. I’m using a 2.75mm needle (bigger than the pattern because I’m such a tight knitter) but I’m still getting a tighter gauge. I think the issue is my actual food. I have quite a slender foot with a high arch, so I’m aiming for a 10″ foot circumference. That means I’ve got lots of extra room down near my pointy toes. I don’t really want to knit a smaller size, as that might make it difficult to pull them over my ankles (once I actually get that far). So I figure the options are either to reknit the toes with less stitches and then somehow work in some increases as I go up the foot, or possibly to reknit the toe in a smaller needle and then get larger as I go. Or, of course, there’s always the option to just leave them as is. They’ll probably felt up a bit at the toe from wear anyway, right?

Thanks to everybody who came to the Nicky Epstein event at the shop on Friday. It was a huge success! We had nearly thirty people (including an actual fella) and everyone seemed to have a great time. Nicky and her husband Howard are just the loveliest people, and they stayed for hours til the last person had been hugged and the last book had been signed. I love it when a plan comes togther!

Hairspray
I talked the Snook into going with me this afternoon to see Hairspray… and I absolutely LOVED it. Loved everything. The music, the costumes, the joy. I love love LOVE Nikki Blonsky, and when she got to kiss dreamy Zac Efron at the end I squealed to the Snook (forgetting momentarily that he was not, in fact, an enthusiastic girlfriend): “And she was working at an ice cream parlor when she got the part! Isn’t that the cutest thing EVER?!” I had been expecting to merely tolerate John Travolta’s stunt-casting, but he was fantastic. I can honestly say this is the only Travolta performance I have ever enjoyed. He just disappeared completely into the role, and I can only imagine how difficult it was to dance in that (amazingly realistic) fat suit. I even loved perky little Amanda Bynes, though she did seem to get progressively more orange throughout the movie. (The Snook speculated that it was to lessen the contrast between her and Seaweed.) I bought the album off iTunes as soon as I got home and I imagine I’ll be boppin’ along to that for a while now. If you like musicals, this one is highly recommended.

(And if you don’t, go anyway. You’ll survive. The Snook didn’t love it, but he didn’t fall asleep either.)