I’ve done my fair share of griping about the stupid share bikes littered all over Sydney.

Are your shitting me now there's a FOURTH ONE pic.twitter.com/fbsMqlI2xV

— Kris Howard 💃 (@web_goddess) November 17, 2017

Yesterday though, I realised I had the perfect use case for one. The Snook’s office was having a party over at the Entertainment Quarter, and though it isn’t far from our house, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get to on public transport. And sure, I could ride my own bike over there, but then I planned on having some beers and taking the bus back with the Snook which ruled that out. A one-way rental on a share bike seemed like the perfect solution!

First things first – which of the (many) options to choose from? I googled “Sydney share bike review” and found this article in The Australian which indicates that Mobike (the orange and silver one) and Ofo (the yellow one) were the best in terms of build quality. I quickly installed the Mobike app. Next I grabbed my own helmet – no head lice for me, thank you! Then I just needed to locate the nearest bike. OH RIGHT, THERE ARE LIKE EIGHT ON THE FOOTPATH ON MY STREET RIGHT NOW.

I used the app to unlock the nearest Mobike, which was painless and honestly kind of neat how it worked. Then I raised up the seat as high as it would go. Hm. First problem. This felt pretty low. (For the record, I’m 5’10” / 1.78m with longish legs. Tall, but not freakishly so.) I persevered though, and took a quick photo to send to the Snook (who was already at the party) to tell him to expect me in 25 minutes.

SEE? I GOT ON!

Then I headed off through Chippendale. About thirty seconds later, I went to change gears and discovered THIS BIKE HAS NO GEARS. The handlebar control that I thought was a gear shifter is just a bell. How can you offer bikes in Sydney without gears?? We’re not Santa Monica. We have HILLS. Oh, and did I mention this bike was HEAVY AS HELL? No way was I puffing through the back streets of Surry Hills on a too-small tank of a bike with no gears. I pulled over at the nearest pile of share bikes to chuck the Mobike and try another. I’d made it three blocks.

After locking that one up, I switched to an Ofo (the yellow one). The seat went a little higher on this one. Still not as high as I need, but better. Also – it has gears! I felt optimistic. I headed off through Redfern and Surry Hills.

Well. My 25 minute ride actually took me 35 minutes, and that’s not counting the couple of times I stopped for a drink of water. (It was a hot and sunny day.) Even with gears, that heavy-ass, still-too-tiny bike was murder on the hills. I even ended up walking it on a couple. I finally made it to the Entertainment Quarter though, parked, and staggered into the party – sweaty and dazed and in desperate need of a beer. On the upside, neither bike ride actually cost me anything as they’ve all got introductory specials on right now.

Results of experiment

Scenario: This was the most optimal use case I could think of for me to use a share bike – a short, one-way trip to a location inconvenient for public transport.

Good stuff: It was free. The apps were easy-to-use for unlocking the bikes. (I didn’t bother using them to find a bike since, as I previously mentioned, THEY’RE BLOODY EVERYWHERE.) I didn’t have to worry about getting my bike home or making sure somebody didn’t steal it.

Bad stuff: The bikes weigh a ton. They’re too small for people on the taller side of the bell curve. Some of them have no gears, and the ones that do don’t have very many, resulting in a painful, sweaty, very difficult ride. And then there’s the whole helmet situation (public lice helmet vs. no helmet at all), of which the only remedy is to bring your own (which you then have to carry around with you).

So yeah. That was my one experiment on a share bike. Now we can shoot them all into the sun. 🚲🚀☀