My annual Oscar Contest is now open! I have added an additional category this year (“Best Cinematography”) to hopefully help avoid ties. If you pick the most correct answers, you’ll win the big prize: a pair of custom-made, one-of-a-kind Black Swan and White Swan ballerina sock monkeys! One is beautiful, pure, and repressed; the other is totes sexy-crazy. They might just be my best sock creations yet. (However, I disclaim all responsibility if you use them to act out the movie and then it drives you insane.)

SPOILER ALERT!

Once upon a time, there was a young ballerina named Nina. She was beautiful and pure and kinda repressed, and her greatest dream was to dance the lead in Swan Lake. She lived with her demanding mother in a tiny womb-like apartment and didn’t have any friends. She was a little weird.

Through a series of events that may or may not have involved a pilfered lipstick and a stolen kiss, Nina got her wish and got picked to play the Swan Queen. As rehearsal wore on though, Nina started to get paranoid. She began to fixate on the new dancer Lily. Was someone following her? Who was that lurking in the shadows and behind mirrors?

Nina was perfect as the White Swan, but she couldn’t embody the sexuality and ecstasy of the Black Swan. She tried everything, but mostly her creepy Mom kept thwarting her. It really started to get to her. She spent a lot of time looking in mirrors. She got a weird rash on her shoulder.

On a night of reckless abandon, Nina goes to a club with Lily, drops Ecstasy, and makes out with a random dude. Then in the taxi, Lily makes a move…

They spend the night together – OR DO THEY? – and it pretty much facilitates Nina’s full psychotic break. She freaks out on her Mom and has some more avian hallucinations. On opening night, she wrestles with Lily in the dressing room and dramatically stabs her. Nina’s Black Swan persona finally emerges.

Exhilarated, Nina dances the third act as the Swan Queen passionately and sensually. As she dances, her arms sprout feathers and become full black wings. She loses herself and transforms into the Black Swan, earning a standing ovation. The whole audience wonders what the hell just happened.

But what becomes of the White Swan? Pretty much just what we all expected. OR DOES IT?

THE END

Actually, I’ve got some more photos so you can see the details of the prizes. First, the White Swan. She features a white dress with feather detail, white tutu, pink ballet shoes, and white feathered headpieces. She has a mysterious rash on her left shoulder.

Next, the Black Swan. She features a black dress with feather detail, black tutu, pink ballet shoes, and a black crown (of pipe cleaners). She has red button eyes and hand-painted makeup on her face and hands. She also features velcro down the back of each arm so you can attach a pair of black feathered wings.

Massive thanks go to Kunaal and Josh for all their help, especially with the fantastic photos. And as always, thanks to the Snook for inspiration and assistance.

The Eighth Annual web-goddess Oscar Contest has finally begun. I’ve added a thirteenth category this year – Best Original Score – to lessen the odds of a tie. As usual, the number of dead people in the obituary montage will be the tiebreaker. And what do you get if you win? Why, it’s a Sparkly Emo Vampire Sockmonkey Playset! (And don’t worry, Twilight-haters. I’ve catered for you too.)

The contest will end the minute the ceremony begins!

Once upon a time, a girl named Bella fell in love with a very sparkly emo vampire named Edward. He gave her piggy-back rides in the trees.

But her long-haired Native American friend Jacob didn’t approve and warned her away.

Bella didn’t care. She and Edward frolicked in a meadow and he sparkled.

Jacob cut his hair and took to wearing cutoffs and hanging out in the woods in the rain.

But what’s this? It’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer! With a flash, she whips out Mr. Pointy and reduces Emo Edward to dust.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. If you win this year’s Oscar Contest, all this melodrama could be yours. You get three different sock monkeys: Edward, Bella/Buffy, and Jacob.

Edward comes with foofy auburn hair, amber eyes, embroidered six-pack, and a black peacoat. Oh, and he sparkles in the sun.

Bella has long brown hair, a grey coat, and a treasured copy of “Wuthering Heights” (with hand-embroidered cover). She’s also very clumsy and lacks any sort of personality. (Just like the books!)

Jacob (in his younger incarnation) has long brown hair, an embroidered six-pack, and a pair of denim cut-offs. He’s friendly and nice and has no idea he has a latent werewolf gene.

Later, Jacob gets ripped, cuts his hair, finds out he’s a werewolf, and kinda turns into a jerk. See? You can tell he’s scowling. Poor kid has no idea Renesmee is in his future.

With a quick change of wig and the addition of a crucifix, Bella becomes Buffy! Buffy has long blonde hair and a wooden stake. She’s also quick with a pun and has very little patience with mopey emo vampires.

The four wigs (Bella’s long, Buffy’s long, Jacob’s long, and Jacob’s short) all have a strip of Velcro on the underside that corresponds to a strip on the appropriate monkey’s head. You can mix and match to your heart’s content!

So whether you’re a Twi-hard or a Twi-hater, there’s something for everyone in the Sparkly Emo Vampire Playset!