You know all those spams that purport to, uh, enlarge your tackle? It turns out that not only do they make tons of money, the guy making the money is a nineteen-year-old. At least we now know what kind of idiots actually buy and sell the stuff. I like the part about how the kid ran away from the interviewer at a chess meet. Tool. (Link courtesy of Ernie.)

To love, honor, obey, and procreate…

Just when I was starting to think that getting married might not be inconsistent with my personal beliefs, Australian Prime Minister John Howard had to open his big, fat mouth and ruin it. In the political equivalent of a “Me too!” Usenet posting, he went on the record this week as saying he was against gay marriage and would try to legislate against it. “Marriage, as we understand it in our society,” he said, “is about children, having children, raising them, providing for the survival of the species.” What in the world does one thing have to do with the other? Is he honestly suggesting that the only valid marriages are ones that result in children? My Grandma got remarried in her fifties; should that have been outlawed? What about people who are sterile? What about those of us that just don’t want kids right now? (You better get busy, Brigita, Kristen, and Marci. If I don’t see each of you with a kid in nine months I’m going to report you to the Marriage Police!)

It’s funny because I would’ve been less upset if he had based this on religion. I still wouldn’t agree, but it’s an established viewpoint that a lot of folks share. As much as he’d like to imitate his best buddy George, though, Australians don’t like politicians who make decisions on social policy based on religious convictions. (It’s a refreshing change, let me tell you.) So he tries to couch it in terms of evolution. Hello? Survival of the species?? Last I checked there were about 6 billion of us on this planet, Johnny. I don’t think you need to put homo sapiens on the endangered list just yet. Besides, why should allowing gay people to legalize their unions have any effect on the rate of straight marriage or procreation? Would Bob and Mary Hetero suddenly place less importance on their kids if Chip and Reichen exchanged vows? Not friggin’ likely.

I know I’m in full-on rant mode here, but damn this pisses me off. I think I’ve gone completely anti-marriage again. It’s depressing to think that no matter how you justify it and what your wonderful reasons are, people like Howard will simply view you as one more statistic on “their” side. And no offense to the rest of y’all, but I’d sooner go raise 18 illegitimate crack babies in the woods than give John Howard one tiny bit of satisfaction or any opportunity to lump the two of us in the same demographic.

Snookums and I were talking recently about the nastiest (real) candy we had personally tried. The worst I could come up with was Swedish Fish, which have a flavor I like to describe as “ass”. I didn’t think he could top that, but boy was I wrong. I’d like to introduce the rest of the world to the concept of Musk Sticks. Yes, it’s pink extruded candy flavored with musk. Musk… as in the animal excretion. (Pause for group involuntary shudder.) It’s evidently a classic Australian sweet. The Snook’s verdict: “They’re disgusting. How does The BFG describe snozzcumbers? They’re like that. My sister likes them though.” They remind me of the DOE-P stuff my Dad used to sprinkle around to attract deer during hunting season. I won’t be trying them anytime soon.

What’s the grossest thing you know of that people actually eat?

24 H in a D
One of my co-workers sent along a puzzle today where you have to solve 34 of these riddles. Apparently, “according to MENSA if you get 23 right you’re a genius.” I’ve managed to get 26 on my own, so go me! Between the Snook and I, there are only three that have us stumped. Read on if you, my readers, would like to give it a collective try…Okay, post your guesses below. I’ll let you know which ones are correct. No cheating!

1. 24 H in a D
2. 26 L of the A
3. 7 D of the W
4. 7 W of the W
5. 12 S of the Z
6. 66 B of the B
7. C in a P (WJs)
8. 13 S in the USF
9. 18 H on a G C
10. 39 B of the O T
11. 5 T on a F
12. 90 D in a R A
13. 3 B M (S H T R)
14. 32 is the T in D F at which W F
15. 15 P in a R T
16. 3 W on a T
17. 100 C in a D
18. 11 P in a F (S) T
19. 12 M in a Y
20. 13=UFS
21. 8 T on an O
22. 29 D in F in a L Y
23. 27 B in the N T
24. 365 D in a Y
25. 13 L in a B D
26. 52 W in a Y
27. 9 L of a C
28. 60 M in an H
29. 23 P of C in the H B
30. 64 S on a C B
31. 9 P in S A
32. 6 B to an O in C
33. 1000 Y in a M
34. 15 M on a D M C

How stressed are you? According to this test, my level is only at 21% (which apparently equates to “lazy and retarded”). I actually think I’m way more stressed than that; I just don’t have many of the usual external manifestations. I drink, but not heavily, and I don’t smoke anything. Now if they asked about chronic shoulder pain or inability to sleep, my percentage would have shot up a lot. (For the record, the Snook scored even lower: 13%. Maybe it’s because we just got back from vacation.)

Oh how I hate you, fickle Elevator Mirror. One minute you show nothing but how fabulous I look in my black skinny pants. The next I can see nothing but the three short glaring white hairs standing up on the top of my head. Quit toying with my emotions!