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An Interview with an Australian Subject

Me: Snookums, does Prince Charles’s marriage prompt you to reconsider who you want for your head of state?
Snookums: No.
Me: Why not?
Snookums: Because I don’t think that the issue is anything to do with people… This person or that person…
Me: Continue…
Snookums: Huh? I said my piece.
Me: I don’t get it. Explain.
Snookums: It shouldn’t make a difference, this person or that person.
Me: You mean, whether or not you’re a republic shouldn’t depend on whether whoever’s King is a really nice guy?
Snookums: Exactly. It shouldn’t be a cult of personality. That’s exactly the type of thing we’re trying to avoid with all this debate about what kind of a republic we should be. It shouldn’t be about this person or that person…
Me: You said that three times. So, do I take this to mean that we’re a republican household?
Snookums:*silence*
Me: Oy! So are we republicans? Because I think I like being a socialist expatriate snob.
Snookums: Huh? Sorry, what? I’m watching some funny shit I downloaded.

Me: No. Way. Dude! Charles and Camilla are gettin’ hitched!
Snook: Nuh-uh.
Me: And check it out: He’s going to spend his last few weeks as a single man in Australia! You guys should totally take him to that ***** bar you guys when to for your Bucks Night.
Snook: Yeah, we should just be like, “Yo! Charlie! Bucks Night. We’re gonna show you how we do it Down Here…”

From the ABC: “Pull your dacks up – or face $50 fine!” Hahahaha! I hope this will mean the end of the atrocious wave of women with triangles of G-string appearing above the waistband of their pants…

Happy birthday to my Dad! Hope it’s a good one, Pops.

Me: Snookums? You’re allowed to buy yourself a Valentine’s Day present, okay?
Him: What’d you get?
Me: A handbag.
Him: A handbag?!
Me: Wellll, Brigita got one! And they’re on sale! And they’re rilly, rilly kewl. And see? It has a little record! I’ll be, like, the only person in Sydney with this bag.
Him: Whatever. (to the cat) Hey, Puss Puss! What do I want for Valentine’s Day?

Ten bucks says it’ll be computer parts.

Note to self: Implement some of these referrer spam blocking techniques tonight.

Update: Okay, I set up .htaccess to block anybody with a referrer matching the usual spam keywords. Let me know if it gives you any problems reaching the site. (Although that’s actually impossible, because if you can’t reach the site then you can’t read this post or comment anyway. Catch-22.)

Kooky Customer of the Day
I spent half an hour this morning helping some lady pick out wools to make a tapestry cushion. She’d already bought a kit that included the yarns, but they were acrylic and she apparently had a mandate to make this puppy all natural. We couldn’t find all the colors, of course, so she had to substitute and that meant, you know, MAKING DECISIONS and all, which can be very difficult when you’ve never done it before. Eventually, I sighed in frustration and laughed, “Your friend must be pretty special for you to go through all this trouble!” She responded, “Oh, it’s actually for my daughter. She just got engaged!” I congratulated her. “And she lives in this commune, you see, where they’re not really allowed to have possessions as such, at least not artificial ones; like if you buy them a microwave, it has to go in the ‘Communal Kitchen’ for everyone. But now that she’s getting married, they’ll be allowed to finally have their own room, a bedroom combined with sitting room and nursery, when that rolls around, and they’re allowed to decorate it but only with natural fibres, which is why I’m making her the cushion. Gee, I really wish I could ask her about the colors, but they don’t allow me to visit her…” I just gulped and pointed out that one of her chosen yarns was 50% acrylic, which meant she had to spend another fifteen minutes revising the colors. So here’s a tip: When you get invited to a wedding at your local Branch Davidian Complex, be sure and check the fibre content of your gift. You don’t want to look like an ass, now do you?

So it was the big TV Premiere Week… last week. But given that we’re nerdy TiFaux types, we only got around to watching stuff on the weekend. We’re time-shifting hipsters, I tell ya. Channel Seven – who I don’t think I’ve consciously watched in the past year – reeled me back in with their excessive hyping of Desperate Housewives and Lost. The verdict?

• Desperate Housewives was so-so. I thought it was going to be trashy and funny, not all mysterious and kinda sad. At one point I turned to the Snook and commented, “This show is actually making me sympathize with Teri Hatcher. Teri effing Hatcher. We are officially in the Bizarro World.” It’s got a big ensemble cast, though, which I guess means it takes longer to establish everybody’s character and relationships. We’ll give it a few more episodes, but if it doesn’t get good, I think we’ll be deleting that one. Snookums’s Five-Second Review: “They set up too much. Gratuitous mystery. Gratuitous voiceover.” (Me: “That’s your review? That’s not a review!” Him: “Make up something and say I said that.”)
• Lost, on the other hand, kicked a lot of ass. I was always a Matthew Fox fan – his hotness being the sole redeeming quality of Party of Five, in my humble opinion – and he seems really well suited to the character. And he’s aging well. Hummina. I cheered when Harold Perrineau came onscreen. I love me some Mercutio. The airplane crash scared the crap out of me, though. Is the (completely unrealistically skinny) pregnant chick supposed to be Australian? As soon as the pilot said something about flying back to Fiji, I did a shrieking double-take to the Snook: “IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FLIGHT FROM SYDNEY?” (Sorry Mom, I’m never flying home ever again.) As soon as the clanking monster noises started, I announced: “It’s Kong. Peter Jackson wasn’t doing a movie; he was doing a series. Look, it’s clearly New Zealand. And there’s Merry running around. The monster is clearly King Kong.” You heard it here first, folks. And hey, are we all in agreement that Merry is a junkie? Good. We’re definitely recording the second part of the pilot this week. Snookums’s Five-Second Review: “Spoooooky. A bit melodramatic, but, you know.” (He’s no Ebert.)
• It totally didn’t premiere this week, but I only finally just got around to watching it: Arrested Development. I TiFauxed an episode way back because I heard it was good, and then somehow I forgot about it. In a fit of boredom I finally watched it, and I laughed my ass off. (It was the episode where the Dad teaches the kids “lessons” with his one-armed buddy.) Are all the episodes that good? Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about this? Now I’ve got to wait and hope that it gets show again.

Oh, and we saw Sideways last night with Amy. I thought it was a bit heavy-handed at times, but by the end I was a total convert. The Snook and I had a big debate on the way home about Miles’s book, and whether we thought he was going to commit suicide, and whether it was going to work out at the end. (Of course it will! They just don’t need to insult your intelligence by showing you that.) We also discussed that if he ever cheats me on me, I reserve the right to break his nose by beating him with a motorcycle helmet.

Good times.