Apparently it would take about ten cases of Mountain Dew to kill me. I think this calculator is wrong though. As proof, I offer the fact that Sallie Scherer is still walking and talking in this world. This tiny girl used to sit in our study lounge at college and just knock back Dew like nobody’s business. If this calculator were accurate, she would’ve keeled over dead during Exam Week 1998.

I first read about the furor over Fay Weldon’s new book “The Bulgari Connection” yesterday. I’ve only read a little of her stuff (back on the Oz trip; Mama Snookums is a big fan), but I liked what I read. I think it’s ridiculous that people are making such a big deal out of it. If you haven’t heard, she was contacted by the Bulgari jewelry company and asked to write a limited edition novel that they were going to give to some of their special clients. She had total artistic control, but she had to mention the name “Bulgari”, like, a dozen times. Fine. She did it. It turned out to be really good, though, so now her publishers have decided to release it to the world. And all these hoity-toity authors are up in arms over her perceived selling out. Whatever. Artists have had patrons since the beginning of civilization. Playwrights have had works commissioned. Artists have been paid to paint flattering portraits of rich men’s wives. Musicians have licensed their songs to sell cars and tennis shoes. I don’t see the problem here. Snookums and I watched the Channel 4 News anchorman interview Weldon last night, and it was just ridiculous the way he kept trying to get her to admit that she was “ashamed” of putting commerce before her “art.” She held up pretty well, though. I just wish the self-appointed moral critics of the world would mind their own business and leave the rest of us alone.

Someone has written a review of the first draft screenplay for “Rent”. I think I’ve mentioned my obsession with the musical before. I wasn’t thrilled to hear they would be filming it, but when I heard Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro might be involved, I thought it could be okay. Unfortunately it’s since fallen into Development Hell and it doesn’t look like it’ll ever get made. This script makes it sound like it could’ve been something special. (Although I’m disappointed that they’ve turned “Light my Candle” into dialogue rather than a song. I love that bit.)

Okay, Anne Heche says sexual abuse made her ‘insane’. I don’t doubt that she really is a loony, and I don’t doubt that something in her childhood might’ve really messed her up. I’m just sad that some people are going to look at her (and her weird-ass David-Copperfield-lookin’ husband) and think: “Of course, she was only gay because she was crazy. Now that she’s sane she’s got a man. Hence gay = stark raving mad, and sane = hetero happiness.” Whatever.