I’ve been to a number of county fairs in the U.S. but nothing prepared me for the Sydney Royal Easter Show. First off, it seems like a weird time to have a fair until you remember that in the southern hemisphere Easter falls at the beginning of Autumn. Second, it’s not held in a muddy paddock or a town courthouse square, but rather out at Homebush on the Sydney Olympic Grounds. Third, you’ve got to pay $25 just to get in! Some things never change though: there were scary carnival rides, overpriced food served on sticks, and lots of big smelly animals. The Snook and I were joined by fellow American expat (and Easter Show expert) Amy for a day of good old-fashioned family fun.

We started out in the big Food Hall. This is where all the country folks send their produce to be judged. Mmm, prize-winning sides of beef…

Did you know that “apiarists” are beekeepers? I didn’t. This futuristic beekeeper stood above exhibits of prize-winning honey and beeswax candles.

This competition involved different areas of the state putting together big scenic displays made entirely of farm products. I can’t imagine the mindset it takes to design something like this.

The man’s face was made entirely out of grain (with some wool for the ‘tache).

This monster pumpkin weighed in at 247.5 kg, which equals 545 US pounds! I asked one of the competitors how come we didn’t get the orange pumpkins in Sydney. He said that here they’re just considered cattle feed and nobody actually eats them. I obviously need to get the “jack-o-lantern movement” started.

I didn’t even know you could pickle a lobster!

On to the craft section… This was the third-prize winner from the “egg decorating” contest. Yes, that helmet is a real egg. I’m guessing from an ostrich.

Normally I think ceramic dolls are boring, but this Queen Amidala ROCKED!

Pornographic carpentry! This dartboard case won first prize in the “inlaid wood” category.

You might think I’m eating a corn dog. You’d be wrong! In Australia they’re called Dagwood Dogs. I have no idea why. Pretty good, though!

All the best foods come on a stick.

Snookums and Amy are unable to resist the lure of “cheese on a stick”.

Amy dribbles cheese.

Krispy Kreme has recently opened in Sydney and it’s become the hugest food fad. They had a tent at the Show and people were waiting half an hour just for doughnuts. Where the heck is Dunkin’? I keep telling people they kick Krispy Kreme’s ass.

Hi, the 90’s called and they want their “Rave Cave” back. Thanks.

I don’t quite get the concept of putting corn on a stick. I mean, it’s pretty easy to eat as it is. There must’ve been a Show quota for foods served on a stick.

Amy enjoys her corn.

The cat house was really crowded. This sleepy Persian was entirely hidden except for its crazy poofy tail.

In the Woodchopping Arena we watched a couple chainsaw races. In what way is this competitive? Is there actually a trick to cutting something quickly with a chainsaw?

Waiting for the axe-throwing competition… That is the worst farmer’s tan I’ve ever seen in my life.

The best axe-throwers by far were the northern hemisphere guys. Here’s a Canadian contestant getting ready to throw.

Bullseye! The USA guy ended up winning.

There was a female axe-thrower! She was pretty good. She tied for third place, I think.

I was amused to see that the Wood Chopping Competitions were all sponsored by the State Forests of New South Wales. Or maybe I was horrified.

It was a gorgeous day. Here’s the Snook and I soaking up the sun.

The concept of “Show Bags” was completely foreign to me. Apparently, in the olden days kids were given a bag of free stuff at the show. Nowadays you buy them, and they range in price from $5 up to $30 or so. This year there were over 300 show bags to choose from. Some are full of candy; others have trinkets and toys.

More show bags. Everywhere you turned you’d see some father struggling with twenty of them. These families must’ve dropped hundreds of dollars that day.

Like I said, the Show was held out at the Olympic grounds in Homebush. It was a beautiful location. I don’t know if this sculpture was placed there for the Show or if it stands there year-round, but I liked it.

As you might expect, Amy and I had a lot of fun talking to the old spinning ladies.

Sheep! I’d never seen real live sheep up close before. They were much bigger than I imagined.

There were sheap shearing demonstrations going on so they had a big pen full of both wooly and shorn sheep. The shaved ones actually looked kinda gross, with lots of little bloody nicks from the clippers.

Didn’t stop me from petting one though…

Lesson #47 of the Day: Sheep have huge testicles. HUGE!

Sheap shearing demonstration. That’s actually a chick doing it on the right! She using a big set of clippers (like the Snook uses to cut his hair), while the guy in the middle is doing it old-school with a mega pair of scissors.

He really is a good sport, you know.

Confession: The Poultry House was my idea of HELL. Hundreds of cages full of chickens, ducks, geese, and pigeons, all squacking and crowing and screeching continuously. It reeked of chook poo. I did like this nice big fellow, who obligingly stretched up tall for me to take his picture. I didn’t realize that this was in preparation for an ear-splitting COCKADOODLE-DOO! I jumped about three feet.

The ducks were the Snook’s fave. Apparently his family used to keep some when he was little.

Believe it or not, this improbably creature is a chicken. It’s a “silkie”, which is a variety I’d never seen before. They look like crazy feathery muppets.

The goats were my favorites. Not too big and not too smelly.

Snookums and some goats.

Snookums and some more goats.

Mmmm, sweaters.

In the pig area we watched a Pig Herding Competition. These little kids had to direct a massively big pig (not their own) around an arena. Personally, I don’t think their little sticks had much effect on the pigs. Those porkers went wherever they wanted to.

He wasn’t very good, but this little guy was definitely the audience favorite.

OINK! Baby pigs are cute. Mama pigs are gross.

I’m petting a baby pig.

The baby duck pond had this funny little ramp with food at the top. The ducks would waddle up there, overbalance, and end up sliding down into the water. It was really cute.

This sign identifies the two alpacas in the pen as Lady Galadriel and Lady Arwen. That cracked us up.

Every time I see a llama I immediately think of my favorite Far Side cartoon of “Llamas at Home”: “Llook out, Llarry! It’s the llandllord!” Heh.

Snookums pets a cow.

We didn’t bother riding any of the carnival rides, but this one made me laugh. Can you say “copyright violation”?

I was pleased to note that the Royal Easter Show went with a traditional giant slide instead of the ultra-tacky Titanic Super Slide. Score one for the Aussies.

Apparently one of the hottest selling Show Bags of the year was the “Mary-Kate and Ashley Bag”. It had, like, a purse and a camera and some lip gloss in it. Here they are posing with their little-known older sister, Amy.

Snookums stands in front of one of the many Show Bag vendors. I told you it was madness.

That’s it! We were pretty much faired-out by that point so we headed home. I was sad to have missed the Poultry Washing demonstration and the Pig Races, but there’s always next year…