You know those little handwarmer things, the little bags of goo that have a metal disk in them? And you flex the disk and suddenly the clear goo starts solidifying and getting warm? Yeah, anyway, I was serving this complete psycho hosebeast of a woman today when one totally exploded in her pocket. She was like, “Quick! Quick! I need a plastic bag!” and I thought for a minute she was going to barf until she pulled her hand out completely covered in nasty white stuff. It spread all over the glass knitting counter and started hardening before my eyes. The pocket of her nice wool coat must have been completely ruined. I gave her the bag and then directed her to the bathroom. Then I had a complete Heather McNamara moment in which I praised Jesus for answering my prayers and delivering me so righteously from such a bossy, mean, stupid customer. May all who demean and harass retail assistants suffer such a fate!