The Tale of Creepy Jesus Lady

The Tale of Creepy Jesus Lady
This happened on Saturday afternoon. This hippie-lookin’ lady came in about ten minutes before closing and immediately gave off the you’re-going-to-be-here-for-another-half-hour vibe. Great. I also noticed that she was wearing a big circular cardboard pendant around her neck with “JESUS” written on it in ink pen. Things did not look good. She grabbed a basket and started loading up (but without any particular sense of urgency). I was busy helping a few stragglers so I lost track of her for a bit. Eventually I noticed her pestering Albert up at the other counter. She’d heard me mention that the new store will have a coffee shop and she decided that she had the perfect name for it. It was so long that she actually had to write it down. It was something like: “Tapestry Craft Total Tea Shop Creative Coffee Cafe.” (As she put it, “So you could just refer to it as the TCTTSCCC!”) Albert somehow managed to keep a straight face and launched into a great performance of “How to Deal with Crazy People.” He thanked her and said he’d give her a call back about it. He grabbed a piece of paper to write down her contact details. “What name should I put?” “Jesus.” Say what? We both looked at her. “Or you could put YESHUA,” she happily announced, turning over her cardboard pendant to reveal that very name on the other side. Uh-huh. Albie high-tailed it out of there, leaving me to deal with her as she finalized her purchases. As I was ringing her up, I went into the standard store patter of asking how she’d heard about our sale. “Oh, I didn’t know about it,” she said. “I don’t get out much, but I’m a CHRISTIAN, and I pray for EVERYTHING. It was a MIRACLE from CHRIST that I made it here for the sale today.” Really? “Yes, the last time I came you were closed. So it was a MIRACLE from JESUS that you were open today.” Wow, most folks just read the sign with the opening hours on the door. I just kept nodding and smiling. With a flash of inspiration, I asked if she went to any knitting groups. “No! But I’d love to. Where do you find out about that stuff?” she asked. “The Internet,” I answered solemnly. “Are you on the Internet?” Regretfully, she said she was not. And thus I was able to ascertain that it was safe to talk about her on my website. Clever, no? I can’t wait to see what happens when she finds out that we passed on her TCTTSCCC suggestion.