The Dreaded Ass Massage
I was feeling some shoulder tension on Friday so while I was over at Broadway running errands I thought to myself, “Self, you deserve a massage!” So I headed up to “Massage Link” on Level 1 and asked for the “Neck and Shoulder” massage. (I’m telling you exactly what I said so that any Sydneysiders who want to repeat the experience can get it just right.) A little Asian women led me over to a table where I lay down and she got to work. Everything was great, and I was doing my usual massage thing of drooling and wondering if my eyes were going to pop out and thinking, “Man, I should do this every week.” After about ten minutes, I could tell she was about to wrap it up and I was desperate, desperate to keep the massage going, so when she asked, “You want back too?” I said, “Yes, please, yes!” Two seconds later I remembered the weirdness I had blocked out from my only previous visit: She had massaged my bum! But it was too late to turn back. She continued down my back – and I suddenly feel compelled to note that I was still wearing all my clothes and our cubicle, while shielded, was still basically open to the shopping centre – until she got to the waistband of my shorts. Without a pause, she dug her elbows into my bum. (Well, I think that’s what she did. I couldn’t see.) Is that completely weird. Has anyone else ever received an ass massage as part of the standard “back” package? I was trying to be all rational about it, like “It’s probably medically proven that a lot of back problems result from tension in the bum” and “I guess I did give it a workout with all the strenuous sitting today.” Reasoning aside, it’s not the impropriety that bothers me so much as the fact that my bottom is extremely ticklish, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from bucking and throwing myself onto the floor in a hysterical tickle-evasion maneuver. I was literally gritting my teeth and trying not to squirm. In the process, of course, I tensed up every muscle in my neck, shoulders, and back… thus negating the entire point of the massage.

Anybody else want to go over there and see if you get the same treatment? I mean, I have a nice bum and all, but I can’t believe that I’d get the special ass treatment when the ripped hair salon guy next to me didn’t.