DietBlog: I’m happy to say that the “85-kilo monkey” is off my back at last; and in fact, I think the little bastard might be dead. Official weight tonight: 84.1 kg. That’s a drop of 1.5 kg from last week, and it brings my total loss to 16 even. I’m ecstatic. Here’s the thing though: I KNEW it was going to be a good week. I KNEW I was going to have a loss. I’ve been faithfully tracking everything (using the online eTools) and I knew exactly how much more output than input I had every day. I’ve been feeling POWERFUL. I don’t even feel like I’ve done a ton of exercise, but I know I’ve done something every single day. I even had two social engagements last week: trivia on Wednesday and the symphony on Saturday. Normally that would have been excuse enough to wreck the whole week. I feel like I can handle anything now.
Joanne asked me at work today whether I thought the hypnotherapy had done me any lasting good. It’s an issue I’ve been thinking about lately. I mean, I don’t feel “cured” or anything. I’m still hungry ALL THE TIME and I’m still worried that my progress could stall if I lose focus. What I don’t have, though, is that crushing feeling of depression and futility I had a few months ago. I feel more capable and confident. I don’t know if hypnosis was the key to that, or whether it was simply trying something different to shake me out of the doldrums. (Or whether I’d have had the same result with any sort of counselor.) So I don’t know if I’d wholeheartedly recommend it as a bona fide proven weight-loss treatment just yet. It was exactly what I needed at that time, but that doesn’t mean it would have the same effect for everyone.
I think I may be facing a new hurdle though. Now that I can finally look past the 85 kg barrier, I can actually see the end in sight. Folks, I AM SEVEN KILOS FROM GOAL. That means I’m seven kilos away from NOT BEING A FAT PERSON ANYMORE. I mean, I know I’m not magically going to turn into an Olsen twin once I hit 77 kg, but I mean that mentally, I won’t have to think of myself as overweight anymore. That is utterly inconceivable to me. It would be like changing gender or race or something. Being “big” has been an intrinsic part of my self-image since college. If you take that away, what’s left? It’s like staring into an abyss. I won’t have it as a crutch anymore. It’s going to take some serious getting used to.
7 responses
Good for you! I know you have worked hard and I am glad to see you having a chance to revel in your success!
i had a long talk with amy about this over the weekend. i don’t know; what if we all get there, and then i don’t like the way i look? more conceivably, what if i don’t understand the way i look, and i feel slightly alienated from… me?
i have been the same all my life. i know that the getting used to – well, that’s a big thing. it’s changing an inherent part of YOU… and moreover, what if i like that part of me more than i thought i did? aaah!
i am not ready to address hard facts yet – that maybe dating is scary, health is affected by other things too, and that – oh my, maybe i’ll have to find another reason to figure out why i can tell my relatives i’m not on tv yet. it’s not my dream, but i know that i want to be able to do anything.
when you’re able to do anything,
what happens when you have to face everything?
I have a lot more to say about this when I have time, but right now can I just say that “oh my, maybe i’ll have to find another reason to figure out why i can tell my relatives i’m not on tv yet” both made me laugh and made me nod with recognition. You’re so right. It’ll be hard to admit that a lot of stuff I chalk up to my size isn’t necessarily going to change once I get to goal. I’ll have to fall back on the excuse that all TV network execs are clueless; hence my lack of chat show.
Of course losing weight doesn’t cure all the ills in your life. Life wasn’t meant to be easy. But it’s an awesome first step.
Is there anything better than being able to walk down the street with a bounce in your step, knowing you’ve just shed some weight and feeling it gone from your waist? It’s such a high.
Interesting topic. I can relate, sort of. I’ve always been self-conscious about my looks (but I don’t talk about it, like, EVER, so this is weird), having spent the majority of my formative years with braces, acne, and a mullet. I ditched the mullet years ago, but I’m still no beauty queen. I used to envy the beautiful people, believing that they had it so much easier than everyone else. If only I were pretty, I’d fall in love, be happy, and my life would be perfect (not that I was unhappy, but you get the gist). Then I moved to Central America, where suddenly I was considered a knockout. Guess what? I hated it. I hated all of the attention. I hated the fact that people didn’t care about ME, they just wanted to be my friend because they thought I was beautiful. It didn’t make my life any easier or solve any of my problems. I don’t envy the Beautiful People anymore, I feel fortunate that people who are my friends are so because they care about and like the real me. And I’ve stopped using my looks as a crutch to explain to myself why my life isn’t always exactly how I would like it to be. Not exactly the same as weight loss, because that is partly a health issue and not purely superficial, but I get what you’re referring to.
It is an interesting topic. I hope I am not overstepping the line by joining in, cus my weight loss was unintentional(and I’ve never been “big” and even at my heaviest, I seemed to hold my weight proportionately on my frame, so it might not be my place to join in, and if so, I apologise), but I totally had to take a double take for a few months when I saw myself in the mirror, or I saw my shadow, after I lost weight. It is weird, because even now, I’m excited that I can wear pants and not scrutinise the shape of my hips. It takes getting used to, I suppose, and since you guys have specifically wanted to loose weight, and have done it intentionally, I imagine you’ll be all “GO ME!” when you see the new you?
I hope so. I hope you will indulge in some vanity. It’s such a big thing, when your body changes like that. I’ve had big brain stretching philosophical moments about loosing/gaining control of your physical being as opposed to your mental being.
You were looking fine today, girl! I was so excited to see your red crocs.
You SO need a talk show. Imagine!
Do you have a hypnotherapy tape to listen to for homework? I think you sort of need to keep the positive reinforcement/empowerment fresh.
This is a very interesting conversation and there’s a lot here I can relate to, but only have time right now for a CONGRATS KRIS!