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We need a backyard… so we can grow a penis tree. Not.

MY VISA CAME THROUGH!
This has been the greatest week ever. The Department of Immigration just called to let me know that my FBI clearance came through, which means that my application for Permanent Residency has been approved! I’m now a totally 100% legal Australian resident. HOW GREAT IS THAT?

Oh, and hey! Since we applied under the “defacto spouse” category, I guess that kinda means that today is kinda like our wedding day! (Well, in the eyes of the Australian government, anyway.) And I didn’t even get to have a bachelorette party!

HA! I found a transcript of the argument Ebert & Roeper (his new TV partner) had about Attack of the Clones on their last show. It’s hilarious! Roeper loved it; Ebert hated it. The bit about Yoda at the end is the best part:

Ebert: Listen, if you’re Yoda and you have the Force. …
Roeper: He’s a Jedi master.
Ebert: …If you encompass the Force, you don’t need no lightsaber!
Roeper: You do when you’re going up against another Jedi dude who’s also got super-duper mind powers!
Ebert: You’ve just got to go like this [makes a mind-reading gesture]. You’re Yoda, nobody can stop you.

I love that they completely drop into fanboy-speak. And how bitchy is that “He’s a Jedi master” interjection? I can just picture it. And Ebert making a “mind-reading gesture”. Hee! Man, I wish I’d seen this show!

Sometimes my home state makes me proud. See, this is why I’m an optimist. Things can get better. People can change.

Did you know that twenty dollar bills can be made to depict the burning Pentagon and World Trade Center towers? Some people have way too much time on their hands. (And coming from me, that’s even more of an insult.)

Hey, Hoosiers, I need some help. My brain is imploding. What’s the name of that oh-so-yummy-yet-kinda-disgusting-too canned chocolate drink that you buy at gas stations? It’s made by one of the soda companies. It’s not Yoohoo. What the hell is it called? I’m going insane.

Thousands of Sydneysiders freaked out today when they saw what appeared to be a passenger plane flanked by an fighter plane cruising over the city. Turns out it was just a photo opportunity. *whew*

IT DIDN’T SUCK!
As God is my witness, Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones didn’t suck. That doesn’t sound like a very positive review, but it is. In fact, I will go on the record as saying it rocked. I love me some Ebert, but he dropped the ball on this one. Maybe it’s because my expectations were so low, but I really, really enjoyed myself. And it seemed like everybody else in our screening did too! Some (spoiler-free) thoughts:

• The plot, which many TV critics have called “complicated”, wasn’t hard for me to follow. In fact, it actually made me think that Episode 1 was a better movie. You realize that more was set in motion in that film than you thought.
• Very little Jar-Jar! And in what can only be a nod to disgruntled fans, his one major action in the movie is to make a colossal mistake (and not a funny slapsticky one, either).
• The action scenes were awesome! The last half hour alone is worth the price of admission. The beginning was really exciting too.
• The dialogue and characterizations, which sound really stilted and bad in the trailers, actually aren’t so bad. The new Anakin really impressed me. And Natalie Portman did a good job of playing a more womanly character. She kicked some ass too!
• It was funny! I don’t remember laughing at anything in Episode 1, and we laughed a lot in this one! Apparently George Lucas needs a co-writer to give him a sense of humor. And I’m happy to report there wasn’t a fart or poo gag in the whole thing.
• The romance is cheesy. Resign yourself to it. Anakin is a stalker with “date rapist” written all over his forehead. The audience was laughing out loud during the love scenes. Thankfully these constitute only about 10% of the picture, so don’t worry about it.
• Obi-Wan is the man. Y’all can have that Tobey Maguire fellow. I’ll take Ewan McGregor any day.
• I love finally getting some continuity with the “latter” three films. The scenes at the Lars farm, the secret weapon plans… All great.
• Americans probably won’t get it, but all the Australians thought it was insanely funny that the storm troopers all turn out to be Kiwis (New Zealanders).
• Yes, Yoda fights. No, it doesn’t look silly. Our audience was cheering at how much ass that little dude kicks.
• The Snook’s and my favorite line? “Jedi poodoo!”

I could go on and on, but it’ll be more fun to wait til y’all see it and we can have a real discussion. If you’re in doubt at all, listen to me: go see it NOW with an audience full of fans. It’ll make all the difference in the world. Seriously, you guys, the Snook and I ranked this one second only to Empire Strikes Back. We’re definitely going back to see it again (hopefully in digital). May the Force be with you!

(And yeah, that’s us in the very front row of the theater. Hey, if you can’t get in the dead center middle, might as well be dead center front!)

ONE HOUR TO GO! I’ve finally woken the Snook from his nap and we’re ready to leave. Destination: a galaxy far, far away!

Snopes tackles one of mankind’s biggest mysteries: “Was Kristen from Days of Our Lives a transexual?” The truth is out there.