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It doesn’t happen often, but every now and then I discover some aspect of Australian culture that is completely different to the American way. For instance, Channel Seven has a show on every night called “The Ice Dream” that basically makes fun of the Olympics. It’s hilarious. These two sportscasters just rip on everybody and everything. They called the Opening Ceremony “rubbish”. During their recap of the pairs ice skating tonight, they actually dubbed in fart noises whenever the couples did their spins. They keep making double entendres about the slogan “the fire within”. They’ve got a mock campaign going to host the 2010 Winter Olympics at some place called “Smiggins Hole, New South Wales”. Now, can you honestly imagine an American show like this? Sure, Dave Letterman will send his Mom to the Games, but he doesn’t take the piss for ninety minutes every night. Americans take such things very seriously. Australians don’t take anything seriously. It amuses me.

50,000 Sycophants at 50,000 Keyboards Can’t Be Wrong! Heh.

Ahh, too many birthdays! Martin‘s was Friday. Sorry I missed ya, mate!

Princess Margaret has died. How sad, and what terrible timing for the Queen. She’s just commemorated the fiftieth anniversary of her dad’s death, and now her sister’s gone. I’d never heard the tragic love story of Margaret’s affair with Captain Peter Townsend. What a terrible choice to have to make.

Snarky, less-than-reverent thoughts on the Olympics Opening Ceremony:

• What the hell was up with that “boy lost in the woods” bit? The Aussie commentators were telling us what was happening, but you could totally tell that they were just reading it off a paper. Nobody could glean a damn thing from that pretentious bit of crap. At one point Snookums was like, “Why is he being chased by giant silver KKK members?” And the “fire” guy? I’m like, “Where did David Bowie come from?”
• I swear that at one point, the skater couples were doing the “Pemchenko” from The Cutting Edge. Did anybody else see that?
• Greece still get to lead off the procession? How much do the modern Olympics have to do with Greece nowadays? Practically nothing.
• I don’t mind when the commentators say that a country’s never won a medal; that’s fine. I think it’s a bit mean to add “Oh, and they’ve got no chances this year either.”
• You could practically hear the Australians bitching about the cold. 🙂
• Did you see that nutty Bermuda flag carrier wearing shorts? I bet he literally froze his ass off.
• Who designs each team’s outfits? The Chinese one makes them look like Arctic McDonald’s workers.
• The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia? They get alphabetized under “F” for “Former”??
• Heh. The Jamaicans are “raising the roof”. Kickass.
• You know these teams with only one athlete? Who the heck are the other old guys marching with them?
• Oh dear Lord. The Korean outfits are atrocious. What the hell is up with those hats?
• The Mongolian hats, on the other hand, rock. Part Attila-the-Hun, part catwalk.
• Huh. Nepal’s flag isn’t a square. That’s kinda cool.
• I know that New Zealand’s various sports teams are referred to as the “All Blacks”, but why are their Olypians wearing all black? The Aussies didn’t wear their national colors.
• Hey, Norway. The 80’s called and they want their silver headbands back.
• There’s a lot of fur on display here. I’m wondering if it’s all fake, because it looks awfully expensive. And in more than one case, awfully tacky. Yes, Russian Federation, I’m looking at you.
• The commentator just said that Sweden has won a “swag” of medals. I thought that word was just drug slang.
• Okay, the Swiss look like aliens. Seriously. “Do you like your quasi-futuristic garb, Mr. Powers?”
• Snookums: “That’d be a good job.” Me: “What?” Snookums: “Being the guy that has to dig up one random fact about each country for the stupid commentators.”
• Hear come the Americans. Did you hear that Bush finished his pep talk to them with “Let’s roll!”? *squirm*
• Oh, there’s Michelle Kwan. She’s so cute. Whatever happened to that Lipinski chick? Did she go pro or something?
• Oh no. It’s that kid again. This time he’s with Native Americans. I have nothing against them; I just squirm when white people romanticize their culture after hundreds of year of repressing them. We’ve reduced their entire historical impact to dream-catchers and casinos. People decorate their homes in “Southwestern” style without a thought of how people actually live on reserves. But enough ranting…
• Wow. Horses can walk on ice? I can’t walk on ice.
• Native Americans dancing to rock music. I’m going to go get some beer. I can’t watch this anymore.

I missed the whole emotional bit at the beginning with the WTC flag, in case you’re wondering why I’m snarking instead of sobbing. I’ve also been outside the States long enough to laugh at our excesses. We can just be so ridiculous sometimes, friends.

On the recommendation of several people (including Bill), I finally broke down and bought the first book in Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series. I’d been avoiding his work for some time, thinking that it was some attempt to cash in on Harry Potter popularity (like Artemis Fowl, which I hated). Luckily I couldn’t be more wrong about Pullman. His books are fantastic. I finished the first one in about a day. Snookums asked me at one point what it was about, and I couldn’t even give him a coherent answer. “Well, there’s this Dust, but I don’t really know what that is… and a girl at Oxford, except in this world people have dæmons, which are physical manifestations of their souls… and somebody’s kidnapping kids… and an alethiometer, which tells the truth… and armoured bears… and witches… and gypsies… and something about the Northern Lights… and, well, it’s complicated!” One thing did bother me about the story, though: why didn’t Lyra use the damn alethiometer more often? If I had a device that would tell me the true answer to any question I asked it, I’d consult the damn thing 100 times a day. Especially if I was involved in a major adventure! She never once thought to ask, “Will we win? What the heck should I do next?” Dumb little kid.

Oh, and weirdness. As near as I can tell, the first book was published in the United States as The Golden Compass, right? Well, in Australia and the U.K. it’s called Northern Lights. I managed to find an explanation for the name change. I figured it would be something like, “Dumb American kids don’t know what the northern lights are”, but it turns out it was just more of a bureaucratic bungle. Anyway, did I mention that the books rock?

Once again, happy birthday to my Dad today!

Friday Five:
As this week has a Valentine’s theme and all the questions are – *ahem* – a bit risque, I’m gonna have to take a pass. I know enquiring minds want to know, but really. I mean, my parents read this site! 🙂

As anon goes, so go I. She recently tackled the “100 Things About Me” meme and inspired me to craft my own version. As usual, I had to change the rules to make it seven hundred times harder for myself. Instead of just listing bare facts, I’m basically listing interesting stories and anecdotes. Since that takes ages, I’m only up to 57. I should have time to finish it this weekend though. If you’ve got a few minutes to kill, check it out. I had quite a few laughs writing it.

Throwdown in the Senate! I gotta side with Robert Byrd on this one, mostly just because I had a scholarship in his name during college.